He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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