don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.