I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.