He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.