My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I touched a dick in church today
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
