I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
