It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
