I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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