I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
