I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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