I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize