Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
