I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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