i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
