I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
