Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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