i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
