You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
