she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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