then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
