You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize