I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize