when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
