If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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