I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
