Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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