quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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