On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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