Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
