I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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