I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
