So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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