I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
