he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
