Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
