So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
