my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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