And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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