So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
