Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
