Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
These tits shall not be calmed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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