The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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