We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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