I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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