I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
