there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
