one word: firstdatebathroomanal
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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