Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
