he told me I talked like a deaf person
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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