I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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