oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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