I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
