how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
