The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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