He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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