Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
