Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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